Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
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