I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
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