Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
