Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Randomize
