the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
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