I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
