I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
