I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
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