My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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