I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
Randomize
