I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
