Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
