Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
