If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Randomize
