You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
BRING THE BAGELS
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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