wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
Randomize
