You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
