I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Randomize
