We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
