dats a huuuuuge bitch!
who is this????
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
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