at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
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