If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Randomize
