you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
They should really pass out barf bags in church
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Randomize
