I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Randomize
