I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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