the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
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