Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
