I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
