all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
