if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
