He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Randomize
