can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
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