I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
