I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
