I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
I think my moral compass just broke
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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