I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
