she was so not down for the gang bang
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
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