i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
