You're a womanizer and a bitch.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Randomize
