I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
Randomize
