Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
Woo Hoo! Just saw Asian kids with rocker mullets. Tried to get a picture on my phone, but you know how those ninjas are.
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
You ate ashes out of my bong
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
