i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
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