Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
My pussy is not your playground.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
Randomize
