Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
I'm way too hungover for life right now
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
Randomize
