just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I didn't notice because vodka
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
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