They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
I am full of burrito and curiosity
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize