that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
Randomize