Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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