I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
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