He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
