I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Randomize
