I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
Reggie can tackle my bush.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
Randomize
