today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
