literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
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