The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
He did a backflip because drugs
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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