My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
