I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize