She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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