you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Randomize
